sugar baby allowance
As you saw last week, my sugar daddy friend Ed Porter said his farewell to the sugar life and posted his final blog entry. Before he leaves the sugar bowl altogether, he has provided me with a guest post for The Sugar Daddy Diaries. We’ve been talking about this for a while now, but I just got so busy with Detroit Date Coach that I couldn’t get a post together in time for his blog.
Best of luck Ed!!!
“This Doesn’t Work Without the Money”
by Ed Porter
In late September, 2012, I got a call from “C,” my mistress for the last three years, to tell me that
she was immediately ending our relationship, earlier than we had planned. I knew that this day
would come we had discussed it over the previous months so
while I felt sad, I did not feel shocked. But when she told me that she was leaving in two weeks to move in with her boyfriend of two years, who lived 100 miles away, I saw our plan unravelling. We had agreed that we would see each other one last time, platonically, to have a proper, face to face
goodbye, and leave nothing unsaid. In other words, “closure.”
I mentioned this to C, but she refused to meet, saying that she really didn’t have the time, and
that she had said all she wanted to say. I needed the time, I said, just an hour. I practically
begged. I loved her, after all, and she knew it; she also loved me, although she wished she’d
never told me and would never have told me again. Although she did her best to be gracious and
kind at the end, her refusal hit me hard. After three years together, I didn’t deserve an hour?
A week later, I texted her to ask again for one hour; again she refused. I asked why: she said,
“Honestly, I’m just ready to move on. I’m super busy with work and getting ready to move, and I
just don’t think I can deal.” I knew that I’d never see her again, but it was becoming apparent to
me that, although we had planned to stay in touch in the future, she was cutting me off from all
contact. “Am I never going to hear from you again?” I asked. “Well,” she replied, “we broke up,
so I won’t be texting you for awhile.”
Four months later, still stinging from being completely shut out and the closure I wanted and
needed, I sent a text to “K,” a friend of C’s who had become my “rebound” mistress for a couple
of months after C left. I asked K if she knew why C felt it necessary to do what she did. She
said two things: 1) C was 100% in love with her boyfriend and enjoying this new chapter of her
life, and that I didn’t enter her thoughts at all; and 2) she believed C had said all the nice things
(including “I love you”) to keep the money flowing her way. K apologized for being harsh but she
wanted to be honest with me.
Finally, something I could latch onto, even if it was unpleasant! I had the closure I needed. Ten
minutes later, however, I just felt angry and hurt. I dashed off a quick text to C: “Three years of
lies. Thanks.” I ended up feeling guilty that I lashed out. Three days later, I sent an apology text,
with no expectation of a reply. Three days after that, however, C sent me a reply: “I have no idea
what you’re talking about.” Of course she knew! And because I’d cleaned up my side of street
in my apology, I didn’t want to rehash it, so I just said, “It’s complicated.” “Oh well,” she wrote, “I
hope you’re well and over me.” Well, she’d opened the door, was I going to enter? Of course!
“I’m over you,” I said, “but I just don’t know why you’ve cut me off. I just wanted us to be friends.”
She wrote that she didn’t want a friendship with me, and that she wanted no more contact with
me unless she reached out.
After four months, after all the pain from which I’d recovered, this was, I felt, as good a place as
any to have be the final word. I said, “OK. Have a blessed life.”
And that would have been the end, except…
An hour later, she sent another text: “I know this is going to seem random, but can I borrow
some money?” “Well, now you’re going to have to call me,” I replied.
She called me a few days later (she’d been recovering from surgery) and asked to borrow
money to help her with a delinquent student loan. I was curious to know why her boyfriend, who
made more money than I did, couldn’t help. She also had a rich dad and she was close with her
mother, but her explanation was lame, and it told me that she was hiding something from all of
them, as well as me. I agreed to help her on one condition: the handoff
had to happen in person. I wanted my one hour closure meeting. I even offered to drive the 100 miles to her city. When she balked at that, I offered to meet her midway, and she accepted. Logistically, however,we had a problem: she needed the money right away, and she was in no shape to meet right after her surgery. She wanted to meet a few weeks later. I agreed to send her the money, but how did she want it, by mail or by wire transfer? She couldn’t decide, and said she’d have to think it over. I knew that she’d find another source. And, of course, she had. The next day she texted that she’d managed to get it from her mother, and that, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we
should meet now.” Since I knew this was the last time I’d ever hear from her, I decided to press
her. I asked why it was so hard for her to spend an hour with me after being with me, and having
a good time, for three years. She said that she no longer wanted a relationship with me at all.
She said that she had stayed with me longer than she’d wanted, for my benefit. Also, when I’d
told her I loved her, she felt I’d taken things too far, because our arrangement was only supposed
to be for fun. She said it had made her feel “very awkward.” All of this contradicted what she’d
said while we were together. I didn’t want to argue with her what
was the point? so I just said, “I’m sorry that being loved by a good man makes you so uncomfortable. I will always love you. Goodbye.”
It took me nearly another year to shake her out of my heart once and for all. A year and a half of
grieving over a three year extramarital affair. The pathology around that is enough for another
post, so I’ll just leave things there for now. I took the time to detail that relationship, and in particular, its end, to make a very emphatic point about the relationship between Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies. And my point is: This doesn’t work without the money. In fact, C said this exact thing to me six months into our arrangement, when she’d refused a lunch date without my giving her part of her monthly allowance.On the day that C and I chatted for the last time, I also started an on again, off again arrangement with “D,” an Asian girl of 29. She was extremely emotionally needy, and it felt good to be needed. I really liked her. At the time, my marriage was pretty much falling apart, and I was hoping D and I could actually begin to build something out of this affair. We called each other “lover,” she told me she loved me, romantically and as a friend. But the thing was, she also lived with a guy and was sleeping with him. When I found this out, I called bullshit on the whole thing. I confronted her, and she said, “You realize that we met on a Sugar Daddy website,
right?” What I heard was, “This doesn’t work without the money.” I ended the relationship in
spectacular fashion a week later.
This past January, I started seeing “T,” an absolutely lovely girl of 26. When we met, we both
realized that her mother and I went to high school together and we were still friends. We were
both wary of starting anything, but we were so attracted to one another that we decided to give it
a try, one date at a time. After a month and four dates, however, I could not shake the fact that
she was my friend’s daughter, and that ending this relationship now would be much easier than
in a year when we would be much more fond of each other. She was kind and completely
understanding. However, when I called her a week later just to reach out and say hello, how are
you, she was cold and distant, insisting that if I wasn’t going to be seeing her sexually, it didn’t
make much sense to have a platonic friendship. In other words, no “arrangement” money, no
contact. Again: this doesn’t work without the money.
This entire post should be a warning to both Daddies and Babies in the Sugar World: do not, for
a minute, believe that anything truly meaningful can come from your relationship. You Daddies
are, more than likely, married and middle aged, and some of you may even have children older
than your Baby. It makes no practical sense to turn your short term, recreational relationship
into something longterm; in fact, it’s impossible. But feelings are tricky: if you’re developing
feelings for your Baby, check yourself, get a grip, and check out. Time to end it. Further, if you
sense that she’s developing feelings for you, end it, quickly and honorably. It’s the only way. And
just remember: This doesn’t work without the money. If you stop the flow, don’t expect her
affection for you to continue.
And you Babies? I’m sure that there are plenty of you who have wonderful rapport with your
Daddies, and that you’d never say anything dishonest so that the money would keep flowing.
You wouldn’t, for example, tell your Daddy that you were exclusive while simultaneously fishing
for other Daddies so that you’d make even more money. You wouldn’t tell your Daddy how
sweet you thought he was while you secretly couldn’t stand him and his chubby, hairy body, just
so that you could get next month’s allowance and pay your rent. You would never fake an
orgasm. so that he’d feel adequate in bed and continue to invest in your lifestyle. I truly don’t
mean to convey bitterness here: these are things I’ve experienced or read about on both Daddy
and Baby blogs. If you are going to make it about the money, that’s fine. But be honest about it.
Don’t lead him on: move on if things get emotionally sticky, whether for him or for you. And most
of all: don’t think he’s going to choose you over his family. Remember: this doesn’t work without
A sugar relationship defined: Two people seeking each other out for a relationship that is well-defined by an arrangement that meets each other’s needs. It is an emotionally caring, mutually respectful and rewarding relationship; a relationship that may or may not involve physical intimacy, but should have chemistry and emotional intimacy at the forefront. A financial need or desire although part of the arrangement, should not be the majority factor. Starting to sound not so unlike like a traditional relationship, huh? To some degree, it is. Minus the perils and commitment that usually define traditional relationships, and their boundaries. The reason why Sugar Relationships work so well in so many ways that traditional relationships don’t, is the very upfront definition and honesty they begin with. By nature, they are set up to be more successful and rewarding than a traditional relationship.
How the general public defines a Sugar Baby: Overall they have been misled to believe that a Sugar Baby is a number of things.
- A young woman (usually college-aged) who is financially cared for by a wealthy, much older sugar daddy in exchange for companionship; which is based on a sexual relationship.
- A young woman who is financially cared for by a wealthy, much older sugar daddy, just for being Arm Candy. (But, WITHOUT having a sexual relationship with them)
Contrary to popular belief, the majority of sugar babies are not model gorgeous. Neither are they the perfect size 2 with platinum blonde hair. In fact, you will find sugar babies come in every size, shape, color, and background imaginable. What does a sugar baby look like? As I said, sugar babies come in all shapes and sizes. A sugar baby may be beautiful, run-of-the-mill average, or the girl next door. She might be a size 2, 20, or anywhere in between. She is the sweet single mom from your neighborhood. She is the waitress at the 5-star restaurant downtown. She is the college girl driving a BMW. She is a formal model. She is your divorced aunt who seems to travel all the time. She is a flight attendant. She is a woman who wants to start her own business. She is any woman. She could be you. ~Sylvie Day (SB)
As I said at the very beginning of this blog’s birth, a sugar relationship is one of the most freeing and rewarding types of relationships you will EVER have. Read my first blog Post “Why I do what I do”
How the general public defines a Sugar Daddy: Always a much older, wealthy man who gives money and/or expensive gifts to a much younger Sugar Baby, in return for sexual favors and her companionship. i.e. “A dirty old man”
A better definition: A Sugar Daddy is a man who is seeking a friend, first and foremost! Commonly he is looking for several other things or traits in a friend.
- A lover
- A drama free woman
- A woman who is NOT desperate or in immediate need of money
A Sugar Daddy is not always much older than his Sugar Baby. They come from all walks of life, professions and backgrounds. One commonality they share is that they have extra disposable income. They are willing to share with the right woman in return for an arrangement. They’re usually successful men over the age of 35. I’ve dated Sugar Daddies my own age or as much as 9 years younger, however.
When faced with these truths and a thorough definition of what Sugar Relationships really are, wives and girlfriends the world over will still call us whores, hookers, escorts, etc.. They will still call their husbands and boyfriends cheaters and liars. (Technically they are) I’ve even had a long-time friend call me a prostitute to my face. Whenever someone makes that statement or poses the question to me, I have the same answer, always.
Would you call yourself (as a wife or girlfriend) or any other woman you identify with, a prostitute?
Of course the answer is always “No”. I start with a question as opposed to an answer, because I know that they have never looked at this topic in more than one narrow minded way. They see their lives as vastly different than that of a Sugar Baby. It really isn’t though. The “friend” that called me a prostitute; she lives in a big house, only has to work part-time, drives a new car, goes on vacation, has financial freedom to make big purchases, etc.. She does and has all of this under the umbrella of marriage, so in her mind that makes it socially acceptable. I have a committed, caring, arranged relationship with a man, with all of the same benefits and I get called a hooker. This is why I dislike a majority of my own kind. A lot of women are harsh, unforgiving, judgmental creatures, who live by a double standard every day…but I digress.
Why is a Sugar Baby not a prostitute or an escort? Sugar Babies are different in that they enter into an arrangement/sugar relationship with someone they can actually connect with in and out of the bedroom. They are not looking to provide casual companionship, strictly through physical intimacy for their Sugar Daddy. There isn’t a “menu” of services to choose from that defines the relationship. Sugar Babies are also often seeking a mentor. A Sugar Daddy can provide knowledge in business, society, culture and connections. Pretty shoes and cash are great, but meeting the right people who can advance your career goals or help fund a business venture; PRICELESS. A smart Sugar Baby will get to know her Sugar Daddy very well. She grows the connection and relationship in the same way she would a “real life” relationship. It has the chase in the beginning, building of trust and intimacy (throughout), open and honest communication always; and looks, feels and acts real…because it is.
Escorts or call girls are commonly self-promote as “providers” or as offering the “GFE”. Wikipedia defines GFE in the following way. The girlfriend experience (commonly known as GFE) is a type of service a female sex worker offers which includes acting like a girlfriend to the client. GFE may include french kissing,hugging, talking, and eating a meal together. ~This is cited from The Encyclodepia of prostitution and Sex Work.
A call girl advertising the provision of a “girlfriend experience” is implying that she provides deep French kissing (DFK), “full service” (intercourse) usually with protection, and fellatio and cunnilingus, both with or without protection. Advertising a “girlfriend experience” is sometimes used by call girls to promote business
It is from the mouths of escorts themselves that they define what they do as “services”, out calls”, “in calls”, etc.. According to an article I found written by a former escort, “the girlfriend experience means they want affectionate sex that involves making out and other intimate acts that are usually present with someone you have passionate feelings for”. ~Ashly Lorenzana
She goes on to say the following:
GFE or “girlfriend experience” is a commonly used acronym in the escorting business. Many guys seek out escorts who provide this service exclusively and are uninterested in anything else. In my own experience, this does tend to be the most popular type of encounter. I’ve had clients who are after more of a PSE (porn star experience), but that tends to be considerably more rare. So first of all, what does the girlfriend experience involve exactly? The best way I can sum it up is that it includes all of the perks of girlfriend sex and intimacy, without all the other elements of a commitment.
When I think about it, I suppose I can see both sides of it. In fact, when I reflect on my work as an escort I can actually think of many different clients who might have been kept in check more effectively if I had not allowed things like kissing. This sort of conflicts with the “rules” a lot of escorts put in place for their own boundaries. From what I have been told, it’s pretty common for escorts to not allow kissing with clients. That always struck me as a little odd. I mean, if you’re going to have sex with a person then what is the big deal about kissing them on the mouth, right?
When I first started out in the business, this was my take on kissing. If you need to make a no kissing rule and yet you are willing to exchange sexual favors for money, then you must have some personal problem or emotional discomfort with what you’re doing and that means you probably shouldn’t do it.
Notice terms like “exchange sexual favors for money” and “When I first started out in the business”. Now I don’t argue that an escort and a hobbyist (man who frequents escorts) could potentially become friends. Certainly either of the two can be decent people with real feelings and good hearts. I’m simply pointing out the differences and reasons why an Escort and a Sugar Baby shouldn’t be considered one and the same. As I said in Part One, the influx of escorts into the dating sites over the past couple of years has skewed the definitions. The line between GFE and Pay-To-Play vs. a real arrangement has been blurred. How as Sugar babies do we combat this? For me it started with my profile. I have tweaked my sugar dating profiles over and over for about two years. My latest and favorite revision goes like this: (This is the “arrangement” section)
There are no rules. We can make them up to suit our needs. I am not set on specific allowance, but there has to be a connection. A monthly allowance is a valuation of my self-worth for offering the best of me towards my Sugar Daddy. I do so without jealousy, selfishness, drama, or the demand of his time. It is also compensation of my valuable time that I’m investing for someone, while knowing from the start that there will never be a serious future.
I am open to anything that is fun, exciting, pleasure filled, and drama free. However, I cannot be bought. If there is NO chemistry this will NOT work for either of us! I am a very physical person and am looking for that to be part of the relationship, but also like a man that can dazzle me with intellect and experience. I am looking for a partner in crime who loves creating ADVENTURES!
Your first impression, your next steps in communication and how you behave moving forward, should ALWAYS embody self-respect. Tell him/them from the start that although their financial help is greatly appreciated, this is not a business transaction. A Sugar Baby is not a purchase or a possession. She is a human being that wants and deserves respect. This is how you can set yourself apart and help redefine what a Sugar Baby truly is.
How to be a sugar baby?
There is no simple answer for that ladies. We are all different in what we want and need in this life. My best advice is to be yourself, firstly. Any sugar daddy will tell you that a genuine personality is up there on his list of things he wants from you. If you are a newbie sugar baby, research as much as you can about the lifestyle. This includes reading from the SD point of view as well. Decide if you have the heart to venture into this world. It is NOT easy, but it can be very rewarding and fun.
How do I bring up allowance?
I like to get all details out of the way upfront. Allowance, rules, boundaries and expectations should be discussed within the first one or two conversations. I’m not a fan of hammering out numbers on a first date, but I am sure to lay the ground work for numbers prior to that meeting. In initial texts, emails or phone calls (before meeting) it is easier to outline what you are expecting from each other. Then make sure you look amazing on the first date and play to what you have learned about him already and throughout the date. I always follow up with a thank you for the meet. If I decide that I want to move forward with him, I then re-visit everything we have discussed prior. Finalize the arrangement and set up the next date. Now, this is my preferred method, but situations can and have varied.
What to ask for?
Um…duh…ask for what you want and need. Your sugar daddy’s budget will play a role here, though. My formula for sugar allowance has always been to figure out what my bills are and think ahead to my immediate and short term needs/wants. As far as gifts or spoiling is concerned, I want my sugar daddy to actually want to do those things for me. I almost always tell them that I am practical. Bags and shoes will not feed me or pay for heat. I would rather realize his generosity in the form of support. Not to mention, that if he sat down at the end of the month and added up meals or purchases, it would probably be close to if not exceed what I am asking for. If he presses for a number for allowance, I give it. I don’t like to make the first offer though.
The reason why I wait to fully negotiate allowance until after a first date, is so he can already know the basics of what I want. Then it frees the date up for flirting and wooing him. With the groundwork laid for money talks, your charm takes center stage. Let him see what he is getting.