As you saw last week, my sugar daddy friend Ed Porter said his farewell to the sugar life and posted his final blog entry. Before he leaves the sugar bowl altogether, he has provided me with a guest post for The Sugar Daddy Diaries. We’ve been talking about this for a while now, but I just got so busy with Detroit Date Coach that I couldn’t get a post together in time for his blog.
Best of luck Ed!!!
“This Doesn’t Work Without the Money”
by Ed Porter
In late September, 2012, I got a call from “C,” my mistress for the last three years, to tell me that
she was immediately ending our relationship, earlier than we had planned. I knew that this day
would come we had discussed it over the previous months so
while I felt sad, I did not feel shocked. But when she told me that she was leaving in two weeks to move in with her boyfriend of two years, who lived 100 miles away, I saw our plan unravelling. We had agreed that we would see each other one last time, platonically, to have a proper, face to face
goodbye, and leave nothing unsaid. In other words, “closure.”
I mentioned this to C, but she refused to meet, saying that she really didn’t have the time, and
that she had said all she wanted to say. I needed the time, I said, just an hour. I practically
begged. I loved her, after all, and she knew it; she also loved me, although she wished she’d
never told me and would never have told me again. Although she did her best to be gracious and
kind at the end, her refusal hit me hard. After three years together, I didn’t deserve an hour?
A week later, I texted her to ask again for one hour; again she refused. I asked why: she said,
“Honestly, I’m just ready to move on. I’m super busy with work and getting ready to move, and I
just don’t think I can deal.” I knew that I’d never see her again, but it was becoming apparent to
me that, although we had planned to stay in touch in the future, she was cutting me off from all
contact. “Am I never going to hear from you again?” I asked. “Well,” she replied, “we broke up,
so I won’t be texting you for awhile.”
Four months later, still stinging from being completely shut out and the closure I wanted and
needed, I sent a text to “K,” a friend of C’s who had become my “rebound” mistress for a couple
of months after C left. I asked K if she knew why C felt it necessary to do what she did. She
said two things: 1) C was 100% in love with her boyfriend and enjoying this new chapter of her
life, and that I didn’t enter her thoughts at all; and 2) she believed C had said all the nice things
(including “I love you”) to keep the money flowing her way. K apologized for being harsh but she
wanted to be honest with me.
Finally, something I could latch onto, even if it was unpleasant! I had the closure I needed. Ten
minutes later, however, I just felt angry and hurt. I dashed off a quick text to C: “Three years of
lies. Thanks.” I ended up feeling guilty that I lashed out. Three days later, I sent an apology text,
with no expectation of a reply. Three days after that, however, C sent me a reply: “I have no idea
what you’re talking about.” Of course she knew! And because I’d cleaned up my side of street
in my apology, I didn’t want to rehash it, so I just said, “It’s complicated.” “Oh well,” she wrote, “I
hope you’re well and over me.” Well, she’d opened the door, was I going to enter? Of course!
“I’m over you,” I said, “but I just don’t know why you’ve cut me off. I just wanted us to be friends.”
She wrote that she didn’t want a friendship with me, and that she wanted no more contact with
me unless she reached out.
After four months, after all the pain from which I’d recovered, this was, I felt, as good a place as
any to have be the final word. I said, “OK. Have a blessed life.”
And that would have been the end, except…
An hour later, she sent another text: “I know this is going to seem random, but can I borrow
some money?” “Well, now you’re going to have to call me,” I replied.
She called me a few days later (she’d been recovering from surgery) and asked to borrow
money to help her with a delinquent student loan. I was curious to know why her boyfriend, who
made more money than I did, couldn’t help. She also had a rich dad and she was close with her
mother, but her explanation was lame, and it told me that she was hiding something from all of
them, as well as me. I agreed to help her on one condition: the handoff
had to happen in person. I wanted my one hour closure meeting. I even offered to drive the 100 miles to her city. When she balked at that, I offered to meet her midway, and she accepted. Logistically, however,we had a problem: she needed the money right away, and she was in no shape to meet right after her surgery. She wanted to meet a few weeks later. I agreed to send her the money, but how did she want it, by mail or by wire transfer? She couldn’t decide, and said she’d have to think it over. I knew that she’d find another source. And, of course, she had. The next day she texted that she’d managed to get it from her mother, and that, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we
should meet now.” Since I knew this was the last time I’d ever hear from her, I decided to press
her. I asked why it was so hard for her to spend an hour with me after being with me, and having
a good time, for three years. She said that she no longer wanted a relationship with me at all.
She said that she had stayed with me longer than she’d wanted, for my benefit. Also, when I’d
told her I loved her, she felt I’d taken things too far, because our arrangement was only supposed
to be for fun. She said it had made her feel “very awkward.” All of this contradicted what she’d
said while we were together. I didn’t want to argue with her what
was the point? so I just said, “I’m sorry that being loved by a good man makes you so uncomfortable. I will always love you. Goodbye.”
It took me nearly another year to shake her out of my heart once and for all. A year and a half of
grieving over a three year extramarital affair. The pathology around that is enough for another
post, so I’ll just leave things there for now. I took the time to detail that relationship, and in particular, its end, to make a very emphatic point about the relationship between Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies. And my point is: This doesn’t work without the money. In fact, C said this exact thing to me six months into our arrangement, when she’d refused a lunch date without my giving her part of her monthly allowance.On the day that C and I chatted for the last time, I also started an on again, off again arrangement with “D,” an Asian girl of 29. She was extremely emotionally needy, and it felt good to be needed. I really liked her. At the time, my marriage was pretty much falling apart, and I was hoping D and I could actually begin to build something out of this affair. We called each other “lover,” she told me she loved me, romantically and as a friend. But the thing was, she also lived with a guy and was sleeping with him. When I found this out, I called bullshit on the whole thing. I confronted her, and she said, “You realize that we met on a Sugar Daddy website,
right?” What I heard was, “This doesn’t work without the money.” I ended the relationship in
spectacular fashion a week later.
This past January, I started seeing “T,” an absolutely lovely girl of 26. When we met, we both
realized that her mother and I went to high school together and we were still friends. We were
both wary of starting anything, but we were so attracted to one another that we decided to give it
a try, one date at a time. After a month and four dates, however, I could not shake the fact that
she was my friend’s daughter, and that ending this relationship now would be much easier than
in a year when we would be much more fond of each other. She was kind and completely
understanding. However, when I called her a week later just to reach out and say hello, how are
you, she was cold and distant, insisting that if I wasn’t going to be seeing her sexually, it didn’t
make much sense to have a platonic friendship. In other words, no “arrangement” money, no
contact. Again: this doesn’t work without the money.
This entire post should be a warning to both Daddies and Babies in the Sugar World: do not, for
a minute, believe that anything truly meaningful can come from your relationship. You Daddies
are, more than likely, married and middle aged, and some of you may even have children older
than your Baby. It makes no practical sense to turn your short term, recreational relationship
into something longterm; in fact, it’s impossible. But feelings are tricky: if you’re developing
feelings for your Baby, check yourself, get a grip, and check out. Time to end it. Further, if you
sense that she’s developing feelings for you, end it, quickly and honorably. It’s the only way. And
just remember: This doesn’t work without the money. If you stop the flow, don’t expect her
affection for you to continue.
And you Babies? I’m sure that there are plenty of you who have wonderful rapport with your
Daddies, and that you’d never say anything dishonest so that the money would keep flowing.
You wouldn’t, for example, tell your Daddy that you were exclusive while simultaneously fishing
for other Daddies so that you’d make even more money. You wouldn’t tell your Daddy how
sweet you thought he was while you secretly couldn’t stand him and his chubby, hairy body, just
so that you could get next month’s allowance and pay your rent. You would never fake an
orgasm. so that he’d feel adequate in bed and continue to invest in your lifestyle. I truly don’t
mean to convey bitterness here: these are things I’ve experienced or read about on both Daddy
and Baby blogs. If you are going to make it about the money, that’s fine. But be honest about it.
Don’t lead him on: move on if things get emotionally sticky, whether for him or for you. And most
of all: don’t think he’s going to choose you over his family. Remember: this doesn’t work without
What does a Sugar Daddy want from you, that his wife probably doesn’t give him?
- To be heard
- Something different from his every day
This short list may not be exact for every situation, but in my vast experience via sugar dating and as a matchmaker for sugar daddies, these always top the list. Additionally, there are a few constants in the types of women they seek.
- Worldly/somewhat cultured
- Not entirely ALL about the money
Believe it or not, very rarely do the men I speak to broach the subject of sexual relations in a first conversation. They are more concerned with the woman as an entire package. The most important things you can remember as a sugar baby is to forget about the money to some degree and take the time to understand what a potential sugar daddy really wants.
The top two questions I see come through my blog are in regards to sex with a sugar daddy and how to ask for allowance. Yes, most understand that an allowance or some type of support are naturally part of the terms of any arrangement. Yes, most sugar daddies want to have sex. For the most part I find that although a sugar daddy thinks about these two issues, they are not his top priority. I have said it a million times and I will say it until I hit the grave, “Be yourself”. Treat this as though you would any other relationship. Just because he may be helping with rent or contributing significantly to your lifestyle, does not mean he wants a transaction. The minute you treat it as such you have grossly devalued yourself and made him to feel used.
I recently spoke with a NY Post reporter about being a Sugar Baby. Although the article’s focus was SA, I managed to get a nice quote and some publicity for myself.
By: Tracy Motz
When Megan, 23, was planning her move to NYU in August 2012 for a grad-school program, she knew it wasn’t going to be cheap.
She worried over the phone to a friend about the costs of living and joked that maybe she’d use a dating site to score a few free meals in her new, expensive city. Her friend suggested she try out sugar dating. “I was like, ‘What’s that?’ I’d never heard that term before,” Megan says. Modal Trigger Megan.
A quick Google search led her to SeekingArrangement.com, an online site that connects well-heeled benefactors, otherwise known as sugar daddies, with lesser-off “sugar babies,” and specifically targets Megan’s demographic: college students over their heads in debt. Megan put up a profile even before she’d touched down in the city and was invited out by a 47-year-old lawyer. She spent one of her first nights in the city enjoying fancy sushi and cocktails, and it pulled back the curtain on the privileged world of moneyed Manhattan. “I was skeptical at first about it because I was like, this is like the kind of thing that could attract a lot of creeps, but [it was] actually really nice.” Read the rest here…